Tonya Cutler

This profile was written for and originally published in The Day Magazine (page 84)

“I would look at the instructions on the bottle that say take as needed. So I took it as needed,” says Tonya Cutler. She just happened to need it all the time.

Addiction crept its way into Cutler’s life after she was prescribed painkillers to address her migraines and arthritis. Then the anxiety came and benzos followed. “It didn't get super bad until the last few years; that's when the cocaine started coming in as well,” she says. 

Cutler’s addiction lasted for 14 years, but the pattern broke on a Thursday night when her teenage son approached her. He was clearly distraught, but unable to say what he needed to say until she asked him, “Is it me?” He started sobbing and she knew.

“He said he was afraid that instead of him being the one to come home and find me passed out and then carrying me up to bed, that he'd be the one to come home and find me dead,” she says, getting emotional. “So he asked me to get help.”

After that conversation, she stepped into the bathroom and looked into the mirror at herself— an image she had been avoiding for so long. “I said to myself, ‘You've always been willing to die for your family…. But are you willing to live for them?’” says Cutler. “And the answer was yes.”

She didn’t tell her family what she had committed to for fear it wouldn't work out. By Sunday, she was experiencing tremendous pain from withdrawals. “I had never prayed so hard in my life as I did Sunday,” says Cutler. Though Sunday’s pain was tough, Monday’s rejections were tougher. 

“The hardest part was finding the help when I finally was ready to ask for it,” says Cutler.

After many discouraging phone calls and ‘no’s, she finally found herself on the phone with a man named Tom Greaney, a licensed drug and alcohol counselor, who pointed her in the right direction. “I connect with him every year since, to thank him for being a total stranger who was willing to help me,” says Cutler.

At his suggestion, she searched for local providers of Suboxone, a medicine that treats opioid dependency. She found a place called Rushford. When she called, they were able to get her in for an assessment that same day for the Medication Assisted Treatment Close to Home (MATCH) Program.

She asked her husband to drive her to a doctor's appointment, and only when in the car, did she tell him where they were really going. He was relieved. She gets emotional as she reflects on the support she has received from her husband and children during this time. “I had what a lot of people don't have, and I am very appreciative of that,” says Cutler.

The emotions she had numbed for 14 years have come back to her in recovery, and she celebrates that she is able to get emotional over something such as this. “I'm feeling,” she says. “That's a beautiful thing.” 

Cutler participated in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), which involved group meetings that were crucial to her recovery. “It wasn't until my peers started opening up about their own experiences that I started opening up,” says Cutler.

After spending one year in the program, she began one-on-one therapy sessions. “That first year was about the physical aspect of my recovery: eating; showering; just good, healthy habits,” says Cutler, “but going into that second year was that mental health component and what was really driving all of this.”

As her recovery progressed, she discovered the Recovery Support Specialist (RSS) certification, which allowed her to help others with their own recovery. “Saying I'm an RSS… there's empowerment in that for me,” she says. Cutler found herself returning to Rushford, the same place that had fostered her own healing, as an RSS. She then worked at Natchaug, where an RSS program was just beginning. 

Cutler recognizes that not everyone’s road to recovery is the same, and Natchaug has always been cognizant of that— which is something Dr. Carla Schnitzlein, Natchaug’s medical director, takes pride in. “Recovery is a spectrum,” says Dr. Schnitzlein. “[We’re] making sure that we have that spectrum of care so we're meeting people where they're at.” Natchaug’s spectrum ranges from inpatient to outpatient and medical to holistic. 

“Addiction doesn't exist in a vacuum,” says Dr. Schnitzlein. Natchaug not only offers treatment for those in such situations, but it also offers resources to help address the underlying issues such as anxiety, depression, and trauma.

Before the patients even enter a program, the priority for the facility is saying ‘yes’ to those who seek help from them. “‘Yes’ is a hopeful word,” says Dr. Schnitzlein. (Cutler agrees: “That is what saves lives.”) Dr. Schnitzlein is proud of the work Natchaug does and is hopeful for the future. Her biggest hope is to “identify what the community needs and grow in that direction.”

Cutler cherished her time as an RSS at Natchaug, but when an opportunity presented itself to work at the Recovery Leadership Academy, she knew she would regret not taking it. She smiles as she describes the work she does overseeing internships, supporting new RSSs, and working on an initiative that provides services for underserved parts of Connecticut.

“The more I learn in my recovery, it benefits me in my role as an RSS,” she says, “and the more I learn as an RSS, it benefits me in my recovery.” When thinking of those who are yet to begin their recovery, she says, “I want people to get to a point where they don't fear the concept of recovery: to know that it is an opportunity to be empowered again and discover parts of yourself that you lost or that you never knew existed.”

What began on a Thursday night with a tear-filled conversation has grown into eight full years of recovery thanks to her family, a kind stranger on the phone, a ‘yes,’ and her commitment to hope.

If you are looking to take the first step in recovery, you can go to hartfordhealthcare.org to learn more about the programs offered in the network or connectionsthatmatter.org to search for your specific needs.